L'espoir est la Chose avec des Plumes

Peace.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:44:09 GMT

Aside from when I was very small, there has never been a time when I haven't perched on my bed reading a book or writing, with a cat curled up at the foot. Even when I was small my mother read to my brother and I every night. In some ways, this is the most defining characteristic about me. When I'm in my warmly lit room, reading, with a cat curled up, I am the most content and the most ME I ever am. I am also the most content to be alone. I don't need anything in the world. On days like this, it's about choice. It's about freedom. I had to do what I had to do all day, namely tutoring, waking up early, and going out in difficult weather. I get to choose to be warm and comfortable in my room. I can't choose the cat thing, though. I've always had a cat, and whatever cat it was has always chosen to join me. I don't mind though. I think they just know comfort when they see it. I just wanted to record a moment, I know this hasn't been the most entertaining entry ever. I do hope all of you get to feel comfortable and warm on a rainy day. What moments make you feel the most YOU in your life? I guess the phrase I'm looking for is at peace.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:21:43 GMT

I had a really nice day, today. A nice weekend, overall. It's hard thinking I have to go back to work tomorrow, even though once I get there the kids will probably entertain me. BF and I went to an amazing restaurant in Santa Ynez this morning, followed by SLO for shopping. I bought a new book, a moleskin, two cds for $10 or less each, and the GAP was having a sale. Joy!....I'm so superficial! All I care about these days are clothes. Anyways, then we had lunch/dinner at Big Sky, which might be my favorite restaurant ever. We were just happy today. I had fun and I just wanted to record it, because now for some reason I'm dreading tomorrow. ~~Someone's got a case of the Mondays~~! Good luck in your weeks ahead and let's all take a moment to appreciate weekends.....le sigh.

Grumbles and Bob Dylan

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 05:28:52 GMT

I hate reading old entries and realizing just how far I have to go as a writer. I get a lot of headaches and I'm really not a morning person. Just wanted to let those sentiments out. I really want to learn Spanish, and while I wouldn't trade HS francais w madame bernabe for anything, I really was impractical when I signed up for it....In case you haven't already noticed, this entry's going to be rather stream-of-consciousness.

The other AmeriCorps volunteer i work with lived near Bob Dylan for 23 years. She writes literary horror and drives a prius. Why don't I like her more? Here's an anecdote that might shed some light on that: She scared Bob Dylan half to death....when she got accepted into UCLA she ran screaming into her friend's house & Bob thought she was a crazed fan who'd come to murder him. She scared the poop out of Bob Freakin Dylan.....I think that just goes to show that something must be slightly off in that head of hers. She's a well-meaning woman, and an old hippy, so I can't judge her too harshly.....yet.

A Room of My Own

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:31:26 GMT

I really need to clean my room! It's getting more and more me, though. One of the best parts about moving home and getting my own room back has been.....well, getting my own room back. And decorating it. I'm hoping to make it more goth/Victorian/antique-y. I love antiques and have grown up with them. My dad used to sell them in an old Victorian house in Los Alamos. I was brainwashed into thinking that "they just don't make things like they used to" and "antiques are quality, but new furniture is flimsy and crappy". Next step is to stencil the wall, and I also want a vintage coat rack, and perhaps vintage lamp. My biggest problem is that I have twice the amount of clothes I used to have in high school.....storage predicament. Tiny closet. So I need like more shelves, etc. My mom's solution is to tell me to get rid of clothes, but I wear all the clothes I have and still feel like I have nothing to wear. Yep, those are my biggest life dilmenas....if you now want to kill me or send me to live in a village in Africa I'll understand.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:22:47 GMT

I'm watching True Blood right now AND reading City of Ashes, book two of the series I already talked about. Sometimes I really like living in fantasy more than real life.....this concerns me, but not really that much.

Jace Wayland

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:13:32 GMT

Dear Twilight fans,
Read City of Bones, book one of The Mortal Instruments trilogy by Cassandra Clare. It fucking rocks. Our heroine is a sixteen-year-old redhead named Clary Fray. She meets some teens who are Shadowhunters--who kill demons, and are members of an ancient, secret order descended from angels. I won't say much more, in case anyone reads it, but....Jace Wayland is THE ~~HOTTEST~~ SEXIEST character ever dreamed up. I propose that if he and Edward Cullen were to get in a fight, the blond, arrogant Jace would use his bad-ass demon-killing angel sword to kick Edward's polite, pansy-vampire ass. Not that I don't still <3 Twilight....I'm just saying. I'm buying the second and third books in the trilogy soon. If anyone reads it, let's talk about it together! Word of caution; I was completely pissed about the ending for a minute, but then I reasoned that it could be a Snape-like twist, where I'm not going to know the answer for another book or two....Jace Wayland, I <3 you.
In Solidarity,
Mare

P.S. Nor is Clary quite so whiny as Bella.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:29:20 GMT

First day on the job, and all my coworkers hate it.....NOT a good sign! Ahh. At least I won't be broke anymore....

Trueblood. Sushi. Rant.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:26:33 GMT

Saw two episodes of season 2 of True Blood. Love it! I really want to watch the first season now.

I tried sushi the other day (with fish! Shocking.) And I loved it! I had a hungry roll and caterpillar role at Yanagi's in AG. That one's way nicer than the SM one, too. It has a lovely ocean view. So, now I eat minute amounts of fish sometimes. It's good for you, what can I say. I do think we are over-harvesting our oceans, however. People think we have a never-ending supply of seafood. It's truly sad.

I've been really jaded lately, like in high school I was out to save the world, and ever since I went to India and saw how big the problems were, I think I kind of gave up. I still get outraged from time to time about the shape the world's in, but it's really disheartening to constantly be around people who don't understand the problems, or don't care.

We are all in our little bubbles, living our little happy-sad-depressed-anxious-gluttonous little lives. We are in America and we don't even see half of it. Or even a quarter. Maybe an eighth? Probably not that much, even. We don't think we're bad people for not caring, either, we just think we're "taking care of our own" or "just living". The reality is we're all selfish, envious gluttons for violence and material comforts. We sit back and watch the Third world get raped on our behalf, yet somehow we think we are blameless. I don't know what to do when I think about it, so I mostly just don't think of it. I am as apathetic and selfish as the rest of America, who I sometimes loathe, but can't really blame. I can only hope that someday soon the Third world will rise up; rebel against our fascism, which we call the "free market". The most ironic title I've ever heard. I can only hope for that, because then justice will be done. It's what we deserve: the fitting punishment for our crime.

I sit with this apathy and bleeding heart at the same time, but I know life's all about contradictions. What I truly hate are the people who legitimately believe that this is somehow a fair system, or that for some reason we were the best and we won. I hate the idea that money rules the world, that it's "their fault" they are poor countries who can't take care of their citizens, that if they stopped having babies all their problems would be solved. Blame the victims of colonialism, and now this; this global "capitalism".

Once, I put the word sin in quotes and my professor circled it in a big red pen and asked "why is this in quotes?"....

Tweeting, Voyaging, and Reading

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:53:22 GMT

I find that twitter updates mostly cover it, and I don't really need to post here, cuz I've already "tweeted" everything going on with me. That said, just the fact that it's called "tweeting" makes me throw up a little in my mouth. (I love twitter.)

I got a new voyager phone yesterday, cause they were buy one get one free and dad needed a phone! Exciting! Now, i'm just gonna get a case for it so it can be all purdy. I also turned in my resume at Yanagi's Sushi and Grill the other day, to be interviewed yesterday, and called back today and asked to come in for orientation. This rocks, because, as of now, I have about $300 in my account; all checks from graduation. I will soon get my student loan bills coming in and I don't know how much longer my car will last. Not to mention, I want to travel really badly & BF wants to go to Amesterdam in May. Thus, this is happy news. The down side is that waitressing sucks the life out of you, slowly, while instilling in you a deep-seated hatred for most people and their rudeness, at the same time. Gotta make that money. And at least it'll give me something to do, instead of sit around reading all day. I think I've gained weight :(

Reading Melissa Marr's Ink Exchange, the second book in the Wicked Lovely series; a very good YA series about faeries who are human sized, invisible, and not sweet and cuddly at all--as the author has said. Also just about through A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray, which is also good. Gonna have to go buy the second book....or you know, check it out from the library. I haven't had a library card in many years and I have this really bad habit of buying lots of books....I just want to HAVE them, especially the really good ones. This is a waste of money, though, and it takes up a lot of space. So to the library I shall go....hope everyone's summer is as lazy and enjoyable as mine's been so far.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:18:02 GMT

It's summer. I've been taking it easy the past week; I feel I deserve a break after being in school from the time I was in diapers (preschool-- parents worked my whole life) until now. But if I don't get this AmeriCorps application in LITERALLY ASAP I will feel like a failure. Plus I kind of did things backwards and had two teachers write me letters of recommendation, which THEY'VE ALREADY MAILED to AmeriCorps; when as of now AmeriCorps doesn't have my application yet. Fml. On the up side, if I get in, I will be teaching kids how to read more gooder ;) And that will just be so much fun.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 04:58:49 GMT

Just graduated from college and moved home, all within one week. It feels weird to be back....kind of like I'm in limbo. If it wasn't for the free rent, family, friends, and Boy, I never would've moved back to SM. It's just not me, or of course, most of you, either. It feels so run down here, so dirty. It's disillusioned. All I see are racist white Republicans and Mexicans living in the SM ghetto. It's different....SB is so beautiful and full of life, and things to do; at least that's how it seems. Minus the former roommate, it was a pretty good fit for me. SM has its moments, and its secret coolness; like those spots that only locals know, and better still, those places only hip, young locals know....except I can't think of any right now. I guess what I mean is the fact that we have to make our own fun, here. Like last night I was out walking the dog and I saw a group of teenagers on the playground at my neighborhood park. It made me think of high school and all the fun we had hanging out at random places at night, the drive-in, our houses, parks, driving around, going to pismo. Good memories. I guess it's good to be back....it's home. Even though it's never going to be my permanent home. I've made peace with HERE. So...
So, on to figuring out life after college. I'm not worried; I always have a rough outline for my life, and if things don't go according to plan, then fuck it. We always think the next step has to be figured out, and people are so afraid of change, afraid of things not working out. I've always had this sense that everything would work out for me, with a little effort. And that whatever didn't work out, I'd have a backup plan-- roll with it. I don't know if I'm just naive, or if I just know something everyone else doesn't. I guess if I were religious I'd say god has a plan, but for me it's more like I just believe in my abilities and know I have my family for support. God, we should worry about family, fuck worrying about careers....we should worry about serious matters, like the safety and health of loved ones. I'm not worried, but I'm not going to sit on my ass either. I want to help the world, and I'm finally in the position to do it. In fact, high school Mary would be sorely disappointed in college Mary's lack of effort on the saving the world front....so now's the time to make up for it. I'm going to find a job while I'm here, and work on myself, and not let the fact that I'm here bother me, either. Life takes us where it will, god or no god. Self-determination. The future looks rosy.

Wed, 13 May 2009 22:40:40 GMT

I like your tenacity, Cat.
When you scratch the couch in front of me,
When you know you're not supposed to.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 05:53:43 GMT

Terry from Reno 911 is the funniest thing ever. I love Nick Schwartson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJjjyFdyszw

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 05:17:04 GMT

I really want a tattoo! I think I'm going to get a really feminine, small swallow tatted on the inside of my upper arm. I also want either peonies or japanese magnolia blossoms on my foot; maybe. I also really like the way writing tattoos look. I don't know where I'd get one of those, though. I was kinda thinking the inside of my arm as an alternate idea to the swallow. I don't really know what quote I'd get; I've thought about "hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul" from Emily Dickinson, but i just don't know. These are just pretty pictures for inspiration,or else I like the placement, etc. I'm really stuffed up and sick right now, so sorry if this is written really badly!

http://www.bmeink.com/A70321/high/bmepb482507.jpg

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3F_adv_prop%3Dimage%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501%26va%3Dtattoos%26sz%3Dall&w=500&h=386&imgurl=static.flickr.com%2F3210%2F2655356074_a9b2c6963e.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2Farizonababydoll%2F2655356074%2F&size=127.9kB&name=tattoos+by+brando&p=tattoos&type=JPG&oid=7fc2270a6287021a&fusr=Arizona+BabyDoll&tit=tattoos+by+brando&hurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2Farizonababydoll%2F&no=4&tt=762,931&sigr=11oveabjg&sigi=11ga72vr8&sigb=12ragmjui&sigh=11de5kq8l

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 07:00:43 GMT

I'm taking the first Art class of my college career, in the last quarter of my college career....At least undergrad career. It is Art 7A, Art and Life. It's amazing! So much fun! The most fun class I've had at UCSB. Our class is about the "intersection of art and life". It's sort of performance art....Our first project was to make a visual pun. I made a "book-bag"; a bag out of books, and "k-egg party"; some eggs with faces drawn on them, party hats, and 'K's on them. Next was an invention. I invented these creeper stickers you can stick on people in bars to warn others against interacting with them.

Art takes a lot of patience, though. And thinking creatively is such a different process than thinking critically. It's a nice change of pace. Plus, my TA looks like the BF, only a little less hot, and dresses so cute! And my prof. is hot! His name is Kip Fulbeck, he's half-asian, married, in his 40s, and hot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kip_Fulbeck

This picture's not that great, but you get the idea.

Ok, off to bed for me, just wanted to post, since it's been a while.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 08:29:19 GMT

I sense that this is going to be a really random entry:
Firstly, I want to see Coraline. Ok, that said, we can move on. Secondly, I really am not the "group project" kind of person. Luckily, two out of my other three group members are totally awesome girls who I could be friends with. Group member #3 however shall not be named, cuz my mom told me "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". C) Christopher and I are going to London this summer! Yay! Still gotta work out the deets and I'm trying to save $ like a mad/poor woman. Fourthly, I got a job at the Natural Cafe by school! Most of you know Nat. cafe from SM! So good! Lastly, this economy is scary. And, luck of the draw, we get to graduate from college, be in debt, and look for jobs in it! Yes! I don't know what I'm going to do....continue with the teaching credential plan, I guess. At least I can live at home and be rent-free. Maybe I'll do the joint masters/credential program so I'll be in school for two years, and hopefully avoid the worst of it....? I think I'm just going to write a best seller to cover my ass. No biggie. Easy-peasy. What's new in everyone else's lives? FYI I get really excited when I see new posts, but no pressure. ;)

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 22:37:20 GMT

So, basically I'm copying Erica and The Chelsi with this post. What we have here is a very mixed collection of gowns, because I'm indecisive. It doesn't help that these are all pictured on boney-assed models, so it's hard to tell what they would look like on me. Luckily, it will be many a day before I'll have to make the decision for realsies. My taste is....eclectic; pretty much the opposite of Erica's classic and elegant taste. I'm into everything from vintage and lacey to couture/weird. I like empire wastes but I think on me, an A line or mermaid silhouette would look better. Ok, so, here they are:

It's my wedding, why the hell not go all out. My one chance to wear a ballgown:
http://kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11180&rowid=15&page=1

This one's very vintage 1930s looking, which I love, but I don't think most other people like:
http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11551&rowid=25&page=2

This one's a little plain, but as long as everything else was dressed up, I think it could look very elegant:
http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11214&rowid=210&page=11

I love lace:
http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11366&rowid=349&page=18

This model has awful hair, but:
http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=10197&rowid=397&page=20

Disney anyone?
http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11406&rowid=406&page=21

This intrigues me!
http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11221&rowid=626&page=32

Ok, one more!!!
http://kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=11393&showpic=main&rowid=1&page=1

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 02:04:32 GMT

Totally into America's Best Dance Crew, now. Makes me want to pick up some old school nikes and baggy pants and start a Crew. Of course, working out would also be entailed.

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 03:16:08 GMT

Gran Torino was amazing. The best movie I've seen in a long time.

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 02:36:40 GMT

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:50:21 GMT

I'm thrilled that Obama is our new president, but I'm deeply saddened that Prop 8 passed. One day I know we'll look at discrimination based on sexual identity the same way we currently look at racial discrimination. I can't believe we wrote discrimination into our constitution and that after the Supreme Court made a decision, the people had a second chance to reverse it. This is so unconstitutional it's not even funny. One day I hope our country will live up to its constitution.
Honestly, I'm going to blame the conservative Christians. I feel free writing that on here, because i know you guys won't judge me, but anywhere else I do feel judged, even though I know that I'm in the right. This just shows exactly how dominant conservative Christianity is in our state. It's so dominant that a strong woman such as myself still feels chastised from expressing her viewpoint in the face of so much stigma. It's no wonder that people who haven't had the opportunities to educate themselves that I've had still buy into this violent, cruel, dogma based upon FEAR: it's all they've ever known. And I'm just going to say it: It's wrong, it's backwards and it's immoral. So all of those high and mighty conservative Christians who don't separate church and state had better be ready because their Christ was all loving, and a liberal, and they will be judged. Not that I believe in him, but Jesus would be saddened.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 06:05:21 GMT

Bleh. That is all.

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:45:24 GMT

So, I'm going to copy Ms. Marshall and start a list of things to do before I die. This list will have absolutely nothing to do with Morgan Freeman or Jack Nicholson....
(P.S. This is a spur of the moment creation, not the whole list, and the final list may be edited, some of these may be deleted, it will be added too, etc. Also, these are not in order.)
1. Write a story. Short, long, whatever. Try to get it published or do the honors myself.
2. Get a tattoo. My BF will not be happy with this one.
3. Become comfortable living in a foreign country. This means an unspecified length of time, unspecified country.
4. Become fluent in another language. This will help with #3.
5. Skydive. Oh. My. God. *Hyperventilation*
6. Grow a garden & eat the veggies from it.
7. Own sustainable house with porch, garden, dog, cats, possibly childrens. I.e. solar panels on roof, barrels to catch & use rainwater, no lawn because these require an incredible amount of water.
8. Get married.
9. Visit as many continents as possible.
10. Read all the classics.
11. Teach someone or many someones very valuable things. Learn many important things, all life long.
12. Become a proficient cook.
13. Zipline over a forest.
14. Learn to drive a manual.
15. Sex in a body of water, preferably an ocean or lake....then immediate shower because eww germs.
16. Own a vast, balanced record collection that makes people sigh in awe.
17. Get in touch with my lesbian side...if I go to enough parties I'm sure the girl kissing thing will come up, as it has in the past. (I'm picky, not just any girl will do, simply because she's a girl.)
18. Be part of a protest.
19. Make a short film.
20. See monks chanting firsthand.
That's all I can think of for now. Your turn!

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:42:11 GMT

Summer has been 79.8% amazingness. Recently, I went to San Francisco and LA; two weekends in a row, and in July, Vegas. Or, as I like to call it "Adult Disneyland". Tomorrow night I go to see my favorite band that exists in the world right now, as known to me: Radiohead. I can't wait to see Thom's famous dancing. Chris and I saw The Walkmen on Friday night in Hollywood, and I goddamn love them now. The lead singer's pretty to look at too.
The only crappy thing about summer is the lack of having a job on my part. Once you start having a job it's very hard to go back to not having one....it's the pits. I had to *gulp* ask the rents for money....very humbling and not at all an experience that I like or ever want to do again.
I also get bored when I don't have a job, but that doesn't mean I fill my days with productive activities, like cleaning and getting things done. I sit, read, watch, and otherwise waste life. That's why I'm sort of ready to go back to the activity and noise and crowded house complete with kitten at school.....but I'll miss Boyfriend very much when that happens. One is never happy here or there....we always still want the other place a little.

Me and Writing

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 06:21:02 GMT

I just realized that for a person who claims to belong to the "literary" crowd and be some high and mighty intellectual bookworm/ undiscovered writing talent, I don't write very often....and that means that I probably suck at writing. At least somewhat. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone needs a little (a lot) of practice at their "thing" of choice. Not that writing is my thing, cause that would sound pretentious and annoying.

Point is, I want to apply for a position as a writing tutor at UCSB, but I'm doubting myself right now. I really want the job so that I can see if teaching is realistically something I want to do. I also want the job because with it, I feel that I would be helping other students and contributing to the "campus community", as opposed to, say, working at Borders making lattes. (Those last two sentences sound like a prepared interview monologue.) But I'm not sure I fit the bill. The application calls for a writing sample and you have to have at least a 3.0 GPA to apply, which I have, but barely. I mean I've got like a 3.3 or something. (I slacked off 2 quarters ago.) I question my ability to really teach other students to write. I can do it for myself under the gun, but I'd say I'm in an average of the B+ range on essays and whatnot....I'm just not sure that's really good enough. BUT, and there's always a but...I'm up for a challenge and I think this would be a good thing for me. And there's no harm in trying....and all that other pep talk bullshit. The End.

P.S. I think one reason I don't write more often is that I'm stubborn and I don't like to admit when I'm not very good at something or that I need polishing up. I prefer to just not do it and pretend that I'm so perfect at it that I don't need any practice. Cheers.